Hey friend,

If you've been on TikTok or Instagram lately, you've probably been sorted.

Butter mom or almond mom. Pick your side.

The "butter mom" is the warm kitchen, the slow Saturday, the sourdough cooling on the counter. She doesn't restrict. She doesn't label food good or bad. She bakes cookies on a Tuesday because it's Tuesday.

The "almond mom" is her opposite - rooted in diet culture, calorie awareness, and control.

And now there's a third option - the "gummy bear mom," who sits in the middle. Moderation. Balance. No pressure.

You're supposed to pick one.
You're supposed to figure out which box you fit in, feel good about it (or guilty about it), and move on to the next reel.

Here's my problem with all of it
(and I say this as a psychologist who has sat across from mothers unraveling over far less viral questions than "what kind of mom am I?")

We keep labeling the performance instead of examining the wound underneath it.

The butter mom trend isn't really about butter.
​
Therapists and nutritionists are noting that many parents adopting this identity are specifically reacting to how they were raised around food.
​
The restriction.
The calorie talk at the dinner table.
The subtle body policing that lived in their house growing up.

So the butter mom isn't just choosing a parenting style.
She's healing something.
She's saying: I will not pass this down.

And that's beautiful. Truly.

But here's where it gets complicated - and where I think the internet stops short:

Healing through opposition is not the same thing as healing.

When your identity as a mother is built on not being your mother, you're still tethered to her.
You're still defining yourself in reaction.
The reference point is still the wound... you've just flipped it.
​
And that's exhausting in ways you might not notice for years, because it looks like growth.
It feels like progress.
But underneath, the question hasn't actually changed.

It's gone from "Am I doing this wrong?" to
"Am I doing this right enough to undo what was done to me?"

That's not freedom.
​That's the same cage with nicer lighting.

I see this pattern constantly in my work with parents - and it extends way beyond food.

It shows up in how we discipline, how we express affection, how we handle conflict with our partners, how we manage our own emotions in front of our children.
​
We build entire identities around being the opposite of what hurt us, and then we wonder why we're still so tired.

The real question isn't "what kind of mom am I?"

The real question is:

"Am I mothering from who I actually am OR from who I'm afraid of becoming?"

That's a harder question.

It doesn't fit in a TikTok category.
It doesn't have an aesthetic.

But it's the question that actually moves you somewhere new, instead of bouncing between two poles of the same anxiety.

So the next time the internet asks you to pick a label (butter, almond, gummy bear, gentle, crunchy, silky, whatever they come up with next week), I'd invite you to try something different.

Instead of asking "which one am I?",
ask: "What am I healing? ​
​and "Is the way I'm doing it actually setting me free - or just keeping me busy?"

That's the work.
It's quieter than a trend.
And it lasts longer than a reel.

Hit reply and tell me:
Which parenting label have you caught yourself identifying with, and what do you think is underneath it?

I'm genuinely curious.
And I read every reply.
​

Still figuring it out too,

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P.S. I recently presented at the Museum of Motherhood (MoM) Conference on exactly this territory - how parenthood restructures identity for both mothers and fathers, and why most of what we're told about "the kind of parent you should be" misses the point entirely. It went really well :)
If you're curious about the ideas, I'll be sharing more from the talk in future emails.
​
For now, just know that if this email made something click for you, there's a lot more where that came from.

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Markella Kaplani, M.A. Clinical-Counseling Psychologist Parenthood & Relationship Expert ∙ Host of the Parenthood and Relationship Podcast Ranked Top 10% Globally ∙ www.markellakaplani.com info@markellakaplani.com

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